To That I Say, Touche

I recently ran across a list on BuzzFeed - 19 Things People Swear They'll Never Do Until They Have Kids. I found this list hilarious, especially because I was musing the other morning over my cup of joe that I was really, terribly judgmental about how people raised their children prior to having my own little baby terrorist. I mean, I judged everything. I would raise a disapproving eyebrow at just about everything and I would smugly think about how I was going to do everything so differently. I arrogantly believed that my life wouldn't change in the least because no kid of mine was going to rule the roost. I wouldn't take orders from a baby for crying out loud! It's all so easy to judge while sitting high atop my childless pedestal, cocktail in hand, hair styled, wearing anything other than spit up stained sweats. I looked down upon the world of wee ones and winked, letting them know that though their parents might acquiesce to their every whim, I would not be so easy.

There are some things on the list with which I wholeheartedly agree, and there are some that didn't make the list that I would love to add (#5-8). I won't list everything, but these are a few that jumped out at me.

1. Use a leash on my kids.
I actually never opposed this. I always thought it was quite necessary to reign in those little whipper snappers. I don't know if I personally would use one, but if you have a runner it beats losing them at Disneyland. Or the grocery store. Or anywhere.

2. Complain about being tired.
This one made me literally laugh out loud. I hated the tired complaint! I was so naive (read: stupid) that I even told my husband that I handle lack of sleep way better than he does, so I volunteered - yes, volunteered! - to wake up with the baby at night. Though I have since attempted to take back this momentary lapse of judgment, my husband has held me to my very silly promise and has allowed me to do each and every nighttime wake up. That's why I have aged a hundred years in a few short months, in case you were wondering why I now look 31 going on - well, super old.

3. Be late.
I hated the late person who blamed the kids! I always thought it was such a perfect excuse, like traffic if you live in Southern California. I was never super punctual, but I am now perpetually late. I never have on makeup, and on the rare occasions I manage to get my hair and makeup done I am consistently interrupted. I live in a state of fear that one of these days I will venture out of the house with only one eye done and half an eyebrow drawn in. I have yet to master the art of breast feeding and primping at the same time, but I'm getting better!

4. Bring my kids with me to social events & eat out with my kids.
I coupled these two together because both used to annoy me. I always wondered why you wouldn't get a sitter rather than drag the kids to every event and restaurant. While I still believe that certain events and fancy eating establishments should remain childless, parents need to get out of the house! Like, desperately. I was stuck in the house for the first two months of the baby terrorist's life because I feared taking her out in public. I didn't worry about her getting sick or anything sensible like that. I was freaked out that she would dissolve into hysterics in the middle of - insert anywhere here - and I would be living the nightmare of showing up to school without my clothes on and holding a screaming baby. It wasn't healthy. Sometimes you have no choice but to bring the baby, hope for the best, and have a cocktail in hand just in case things go south.

5. Sit in the back seat with the baby.
I never understood why people would sit in the backseat with their baby. "You are your own person!" I would scream from my judgmental vehicle. "Sit in the freaking front seat!" Have you ever been stuck in the car with a screaming baby while you are stuck in the front seat? Yeah. It took one time enduring that madness and a back seat sitter I became.

6. Let my house look like a child lives there.
I told my mom before the baby terrorist was born that I would never have one of those houses where you trip over a pink play kitchen set after being offered a fake cup of tea before you even get through the front door. Silly me, I thought that I could have a grown up house with grown up things and then bring out my baby and say "voila! Can you believe this immaculate home actually houses an infant?" Then I gave birth and there is now a jumparoo blocking my wine fridge.

7. Not make couple time for me and the husband.
Before baby, the husband and I swore that we would have a date night twice a month. It doesn't help that he works a job with a ridiculous schedule and when he is actually at home my idea of romance includes him taking the baby and letting me sleep. The honeymoon is over, folks.

8. Leave the house looking like I rolled out of bed.
All I have to say about this is thank God for yoga pants. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

This whole baby terrorist thing has been an exercise in humility and has taught me just how much I judged others. In all of its cosmic humor, karma has come back around and bitch slapped me in the face and to that I say, touche.

What did you swear you would never do until you had one of your own?