The Family That Baseballs Together, Stays Together

It's no big secret that I am a true blue Dodgers fan. Year after year, I am a glutton for punishment as those boys in blue toy with my emotions. Each season, I think this is it! This is our year. I stick it out to the bitter end, and believe me, the end typically is bitter. Disheartened but not deterred, I look ahead with hope to spring, when my faith is renewed with the smell of pine tar, beer and hot dogs.

I tell you this because this year, I decided that I haven't suffered at the hands of the Dodgers or the baby terrorist quite enough. Nope! I had the brilliant idea that a road trip to spring training from San Diego to Arizona with an infant would be the best thing ever. I usually think of myself as an intelligent girl, but decisions such as these tend to make me and those around me question my sanity. Much like the Dodger baseball season, our road trip was filled with peaks and valleys, hope and desperation, the freedom of the open road and the solitary confinement of the car. 

Rather than regale you with a long tale of our misadventure, I will instead give you a visual montage of what a Greene family road trip looks like.

We started out stoked, excited for the adventure ahead. The baby terrorist instantly fell asleep, a sign of good things to come. Around El Centro, we were just starting to feel bored when we realized that we were getting a free air show! The Blue Angels were practicing, so we thought we should stop and have a look.

Feeling spunky, we got the baby terrorist out of the car and took a family photo. 

As you can see, we are all having a great time, baby terrorist included. However, good times were not to last long. A few miles down the road, the baby decided she was just about done with the car seat and she was going to tell us all about it.

Our love of the open road quickly turned into a hatred of all things desert related. Will this road never end? Why haven't we seen a road runner? Why are there so many cactuses? (A fight then ensued about whether or not it is cactuses or cacti. We really know how to party.) For the love of God, will that baby EVER stop CRYING?! Tensions ran high as we crossed the border into Arizona. I looked longingly out the window at a sign pointing toward Mexico, entertaining the idea of opening up my passenger door and doing a fancy tuck roll out of the car, not stopping until I found myself face to face with a tequila shot, a pristine beach, a pitcher of margaritas and a mariachi band singing songs of freedom as they welcomed me, baby and husband free, to a lifetime of leisure. 

And then, just like that, the baby terrorist had cried herself out and fell into a glorious slumber. Renewed, we cranked up the radio and sang along to a little ditty about Jack and Diane. Spring training, here we come! 

We finally made it to Phoenix and to her credit, the baby terrorist handled the game like a champ. It was hot and crowded but she is most definitely our daughter because she rocked her Dodger gear and cheered along with us as LA beat the Padres 5-0.

Because we are crazy and cheap, we thought we'd save ourselves some money and head back to San Diego right after the game. Like all seemingly good ideas, it started out great. Our little road dog was down for the ride.

Alas, the good times did not last long. The baby terrorist employed new tactics to try and convince us to set her free from the car seat. Instead of a high pitched screaming wail, she instead puckered up her perfect pout and looked as sad and forlorn as can be.

It tugged my heart strings and I spent the next 100 miles or so torturing my husband with my fears that I was a terrible mother, sentencing my poor daughter to years of couch time in a therapist's office. I could tell that he was really stoked to have that conversation.

And just as all seemed lost, we finally pulled into our driveway and told ourselves that we had fun fun FUN and we can't wait to do it again NEXT YEAR!! YEAAAH! And you know what? We probably will because it is misadventures like this that make us a family and let's face it, the family that baseballs together, stays together.

20 Types of Boys That I Can't Have Dating My Daughter

I am the mother of an extremely adorable baby terrorist. The other day I got to thinking far into the future, which I am notorious for doing, and thinking about the types of boys I would be mortified if she brought home. Of course, she won't be dating until she is 100 and if it were up to her father, she will be enrolled in "nun school." He thinks that is an actual thing and I don't have the heart to correct him. 

Now, I know that this is silly and unrealistic. At some point, the baby terrorist is going to grow into a teenage terrorist, then a college terrorist and I am certain she will inevitably bring home a boy that her dad and I will want to punch in the face. We'll clutch our hearts and clench our teeth and chug cocktails until she comes to her senses and decides that her mom and dad should arrange her marriage with a nice, respectable boy that we have hand picked. 

I have compiled a list of boys that should she bring one home, I might just keel over and die on the spot. I consulted my husband and without even showing him my list, his number one was the same as mine. Apparently we really hate skinny jeans. Should the baby terrorist bring home any of the types of boys listed below, I am going to have to enlist some really embarrassing mom tactics to sabotage the relationship and if that fails, the neighborhood liquor store will see a serious boost in sales because mama is going to need a drink.

1. A boy who wear skinny jeans. Your ass is not that fine, we don't want to see it, get off our front porch. You are not dating our daughter.

2. A San Francsico Giants fan. Since the baby terrorist is a Dodgers fan, this is a star-crossed lover relationship doomed to end in tragedy.

3. A boy who bumps gangster rap. I may be an old lady, but I don't want anyone rolling up to my crib with the bass bumping, vibrating my humble abode as he advertises that girls are bitches and hoes. Sorry, honey, cancel your plans. You're staying in tonight, eating popcorn with your mother and watching wholesome Disney movies.

4. A boy who wears glasses even though he doesn't need them. What is with this trend? Your non-prescription glasses don't make you look smart, it makes me annoyed. And I don't want you dating my daughter.

5. A boy who honks his horn instead of ringing the doorbell. You can honk all you want buddy, but you aren't going out with my daughter. 

6. A boy who sags his pants. I hope he trips walking up the driveway. Then we can all have a good laugh and the baby terrorist will understand our stance on low hanging jeans. And if he is sagging his skinny jeans, we can cross #1 and #6 off our list at once!

7. A boy who doesn't make eye contact. I don't trust you, Shifty.

8. A boy who calls my husband "bro." No, bro. It's time to go.

9. A boy who has naked girl mud flaps. You sir, are a douche.

10. A boy who picks up our daughter late because he lost track of time playing video games. You are adult enough to date, so you should be adult enough to put down the video game.

11. He doesn't believe in having a job while in high school. If your parents gave you money for this date, I probably won't like you.

12. A boy with a Justin Beiber haircut. I realize that by the time the baby terrorist is old enough to date the Beibs will probably be obsolete, but I find that haircut so annoying. I can't be bothered with my own bangs, let alone the bowl and bang hair style of my daughter's boyfriend.

13. A boy who wears any type of Affliction clothing.

14. A boy wearing more hair product than either myself or my daughter.

15. A boy with a flat billed hat. It makes me want to snap that baseball hat off your head and smack you in the face with your own bill just to add insult to injury.

16. A boy who says "you know what I'm saying?" No. I don't know what you are saying. And if you saying what I think you are saying, then I don't like you and you can kindly leave.

17. A boy who is really into his car, but hasn't put a dime of his own money into it.

18. A boy who takes too many selfies! The definition of "too many" is up to my discretion but if I have seen more pictures of your face making stupid expressions with lame captions then perhaps you should just date yourselfie. See what I did there? 

19. A boy who comments on what or how much she eats. 

20. A boy who doesn't hold open the door for her. Get some manners, bro, you know what I'm saying?

If you are the mother of a girl or a boy, what would you add to this list?