Now, I know that this is silly and unrealistic. At some point, the baby terrorist is going to grow into a teenage terrorist, then a college terrorist and I am certain she will inevitably bring home a boy that her dad and I will want to punch in the face. We'll clutch our hearts and clench our teeth and chug cocktails until she comes to her senses and decides that her mom and dad should arrange her marriage with a nice, respectable boy that we have hand picked.
I have compiled a list of boys that should she bring one home, I might just keel over and die on the spot. I consulted my husband and without even showing him my list, his number one was the same as mine. Apparently we really hate skinny jeans. Should the baby terrorist bring home any of the types of boys listed below, I am going to have to enlist some really embarrassing mom tactics to sabotage the relationship and if that fails, the neighborhood liquor store will see a serious boost in sales because mama is going to need a drink.
1. A boy who wear skinny jeans. Your ass is not that fine, we don't want to see it, get off our front porch. You are not dating our daughter.
2. A San Francsico Giants fan. Since the baby terrorist is a Dodgers fan, this is a star-crossed lover relationship doomed to end in tragedy.
3. A boy who bumps gangster rap. I may be an old lady, but I don't want anyone rolling up to my crib with the bass bumping, vibrating my humble abode as he advertises that girls are bitches and hoes. Sorry, honey, cancel your plans. You're staying in tonight, eating popcorn with your mother and watching wholesome Disney movies.
4. A boy who wears glasses even though he doesn't need them. What is with this trend? Your non-prescription glasses don't make you look smart, it makes me annoyed. And I don't want you dating my daughter.
5. A boy who honks his horn instead of ringing the doorbell. You can honk all you want buddy, but you aren't going out with my daughter.
6. A boy who sags his pants. I hope he trips walking up the driveway. Then we can all have a good laugh and the baby terrorist will understand our stance on low hanging jeans. And if he is sagging his skinny jeans, we can cross #1 and #6 off our list at once!
7. A boy who doesn't make eye contact. I don't trust you, Shifty.
8. A boy who calls my husband "bro." No, bro. It's time to go.
9. A boy who has naked girl mud flaps. You sir, are a douche.
10. A boy who picks up our daughter late because he lost track of time playing video games. You are adult enough to date, so you should be adult enough to put down the video game.
11. He doesn't believe in having a job while in high school. If your parents gave you money for this date, I probably won't like you.
12. A boy with a Justin Beiber haircut. I realize that by the time the baby terrorist is old enough to date the Beibs will probably be obsolete, but I find that haircut so annoying. I can't be bothered with my own bangs, let alone the bowl and bang hair style of my daughter's boyfriend.
13. A boy who wears any type of Affliction clothing.
14. A boy wearing more hair product than either myself or my daughter.
15. A boy with a flat billed hat. It makes me want to snap that baseball hat off your head and smack you in the face with your own bill just to add insult to injury.
16. A boy who says "you know what I'm saying?" No. I don't know what you are saying. And if you saying what I think you are saying, then I don't like you and you can kindly leave.
17. A boy who is really into his car, but hasn't put a dime of his own money into it.
18. A boy who takes too many selfies! The definition of "too many" is up to my discretion but if I have seen more pictures of your face making stupid expressions with lame captions then perhaps you should just date yourselfie. See what I did there?
19. A boy who comments on what or how much she eats.
20. A boy who doesn't hold open the door for her. Get some manners, bro, you know what I'm saying?
If you are the mother of a girl or a boy, what would you add to this list?
No comments:
Post a Comment