The Art of Trolley Tripping

You might think this story is a cautionary tale of carbon footprints and global warming, but to assume so would be wrong. Before you rush out and wave your plastic around wildly as you search for the perfect Prius, or don your snappy bike helmet and super sexy spandex and mount your ever so earth friendly bicycle, please heed the story of the Misadventure of the San Diego Trolley.You see, for all you novices in public transportation out there, there are a few rules and guidelines to which you must adhere should you choose a life of eco friendly commuting. This handbook may also become known as "How to Get from Point A to Point B Without Getting a DUI" or, my personal favorite, "The Art of Trolley Tripping".

First things first. If you are anticipating utilizing the San Diego Trolley, you must first gather a group of good girlfriends and one trusty husband. Once you have all participants joined together, each individual must consume an adult beverage prior to walking to the trolley stop. Now, in the spirit of misadventure and just because two drinks are better than one, you should always make sure that you have at least one rowdy girlfriend and again, a trusty husband, who will be willing to break all the rules of propriety and commence drinking as the group meanders down to the ever so clean and classy trolley depot. To maximize the fun, a drinking game should be implemented. Now, of course you may use your own favorite drinking game, but might I recommend what I like to call the Just Keep Drinking Until You Pass A Gas Guzzling Parked Car game. The name is self explanatory and the rules are minimal. Please keep in mind that because, at the very least, you are projecting an earth friendly image, you must recycle your bottle or can at the end of the afore mentioned drinking game. I recommend only taking the trolley on trash day. That way, you can easily dispose of your empty beverage container in some unsuspecting neighbor's recycle bin while never breaking your stride.

Now that you have arrived at the trolley depot, please resist all urges to play Trolley Roulette, otherwise known as hopping on the trolley without purchasing a ticket. While it sounds fun, there will be no comrades aboard that trolley who will be willing to help you escape a very angry, ticket hungry conductor. Please remember to avoid eye contact with many of the trolley patrons, who may view such an act as an invitation to join your group of girlfriends and one trusty husband. The time for conversation with questionable characters will come, but you must pace yourself.

Sometimes, on busy commuting days, the trolley will be packed with the environmentally conscious, the downtrodden, and the occasional all around hostile patron. You may be forced to stand. You may tire of standing and attempt to take a seat next to another trolley goer. If you choose to do so, you are going rogue and therefore left to your own devices. When one girlfriend breaks from the pack of good girlfriends and one trusty husband, the group does not have your back. Sit at your own risk.

Once you have reached your destination, please feel free to party responsibly. Heck, you aren't driving! I recommend Coors tall boys at Petco Park. That will get the party going. So much so, in fact, that after the game you might desire a California burrito. And if you do decide to indulge your craving, you might happenstance upon the part of the night I like to call "Deep Conversations with Unusual and Possibly Dangerous Strangers". Oh yes, the segment of the epic night where one trusty husband decides that girl talk is boring and silly and so decides to strike up a completely inappropriate discussion with a completely inappropriate dude. (What was he thinking?! A Phillies fan? Mr. Greene is well aware of my long standing feud with Shane Victorino.)

And then the time comes to board the trolley once more, and let the conductor take you home safely. However, should you become bored and wish to add a little spice to your otherwise tame trolley misadventure, you can always rely on the trusty husband to find the heroin addict aboard. If this makes you feel uncomfortable, follow the lead of your good girlfriends and avert your gazes and pretend not to notice the very loud and boisterous conversation taking place about redemption. Or, if you are so inclined, join in the conversation for the amusement of all other trolley goers. And by all means, when the recovering addict leaves his pack of smokes on the trolley seat, do try and chase him down to return them.

So, as you can see, with the trolley so readily available, there is no need to slap on your hemp slippers and join your local chapter of Greenpeace. Simply buy yourself a six pack, grab some friends, ride the trolley, and please don't forget to recycle!