Top 5 Things I Wish I Had Known About Life With a Newborn

There was lots of advice given to me while I was pregnant. Most of it unsolicited, as usual. I read some lists of what to expect those first few weeks of newborn bliss, but most were of the feel good, life is beautiful variety. These are some things that I really wish I had known. Although, knowing me, I probably would have told myself the lie that most people tell themselves for the sake of sanity and self preservation - that won't happen to me.

1. You have no idea what lack of sleep can do to a person. Everyone will tell you that once you have a newborn, sleep is rare. People love to remind you to get your sleep now because there won't be much sleeping once the baby comes. You listen, you nod your head, you smile politely at their tales of woe. But you don't really believe them.

I used to think I was cool with just a few hours of sleep. I did it all the time in college. But your best all nighter does not compare to this I'm a zombie, can't think straight, I just fell asleep with my eyes open experience.

Once your baby is born, you handle that first night like a champ. No big deal. You've got nurses coming and going and the baby bliss is still fresh in the air. You want to wake up and feed your baby. You can't wait until you hear that sweet little cry and you know just what to do. You are rocking this mommy thing!

A week passes and it still hasn't hit you. "This baby sleeps all day!" you exclaim. "I got one of the good ones!" You can barely contain your excitement.

And then suddenly, your perfect, sleepy newborn is whisked away in the middle of the night and replaced with a screaming, famished child who clamps onto your nipple like it's the only thing keeping her from falling off a cliff. And you will feel like you may never sleep again. Cling to coffee. Pray to the coffee gods. Make Mr. Coffee the new man in your life.

photo courtesy of blog.lib.umn.edu

2. Breast feeding hurts. A lot. It's a curl your toes and try not to scream kind of pain. I always thought I had a high pain tolerance, but it took an eight pound baby girl gnawing on my nipples like a crazed elf to take me down a notch. Every new mother should invest in gel pads. Throw those puppies in the fridge and then throw them onto your puppies once they're cold. Do it. Your nipples will thank me.

Photo courtesy of babyblueline.com

3. You might fight with your husband a lot. I sure did. I am lucky and have one of those super helpful husbands but by the second week of no sleep I had irrational, crazy thoughts like "How dare he change another diaper like that! What, he thinks he's better than me?" and "Oooh, so the man can heat up a bottle AND cook dinner. La dee freaking da." I had to constantly remind myself that with the raging postpartum hormones, the lack of sleep, and the baby terrorist plotting my demise, I had to be nice to the man who still liked me even though I was wearing the same pair of baby puke stained sweat pants for the millionth day in a row. He loves me he loves me he loves me till death by baby do us part. Poor guy.

Oh. And you might resent him just a little because no matter how helpful he is, you are the one with the boobs. Even if he has moobs, they don't do the trick for a super hungry baby. Therefore, the five thousand nighttime feedings fall on you and those voluptuous milk machines.

photo courtesy of momlogic.com

4. Everyone raved about Kate Middleton showing off her postpartum belly. She's so real, they all raved. Real women do have a belly after childbirth. Okay, well, unless you are a Duchess of Cambridge freak of nature your postpartum belly will not be all totes adorbs, I don't care how classy and cute your blue polka dot dress is. The good news is that it will go down eventually, but it gets real scary before it gets real flat. 

photo courtesy of joannagoddard.blogspot.com

5. There will be times when you think sweet Jesus, what have I done. My life, my body, my sanity will never be mine again. Those first weeks are just about as crazy as it can get (although I have been told that it gets even crazier). There were times when my sweet husband would send me on an errand just to get me out of the house and I would want to keep on driving to the second star to the right and straight on till morning. These feelings are normal (I hope! Please don't tell me otherwise) and they will pass. Your baby will do something super cute and you will be all maternal and gooey and full of squishy squealy love. And then she will scream at you and poop on you and keep you up at all hours of the night and so the cycle of motherhood continues.

photo courtesy of getborntribe.com

So now that I've scared you straight, I encourage you to make your own list. Were there any unexpected things you experienced with which I neglected to traumatize people?